Thursday, November 12, 2015

Into the whirlpool, where matter vanishes

"New-H ®," read tigris.

I scratched my chin, with a noise not unlike a log when it goes through the bark-stripper. "I associate that with a stabilised, activated, soluble form of solid hydrogen," I mused. "Hydrogen combines with oxygen, which makes it an anti-oxidant, right? Different versions for the time of day."

"I hope these chairs are safe," Another Kiwi vouchsafed. "I hate it when they fall over when you lean back too far."

Tigris moved her pen down to the next item on the page. "Crystal-E ®".

"Concentrated water," I said while she scribbled; "High-information water concentrate. Reconstitute it by mixing 25 drops into a litre of normal tap-water. Confers all the benefits of Hunza mountain-milk glacier melt."

"Sure that these names aren't out-takes from an early draft of 'The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch'?" wondered Another Kiwi suspiciously. Tigris stopped writing.

Which is all in the way of announcing that the market-research branch of Riddled Enterprises is finally open for business. You, the client, send us your ideas for naming alt-med products and services and dietary supplements; we inform you of the reactions and associations that they bring to mind, after running them by our totally representative Unfocus Group of wastrels and topers at the Old Entomologist! In the absence of actual clients right now, the first few treatments are promotional and pro-bonobo. I came up with the idea of "Scurvy-Monkey" as a title for this service but the reactions and associations from our Unfocus Group were unfavourable.

"Micro-Energy-Therapy VitalWave® Mikrostrom," read tigris.

"Sounds all Body-Electrical", said Greenish Hugh. "I do not rate for the Body Electric."

I frowned for extra concentration. "I'm seeing... a whirlpool... a miniature whirlpool! Anything called a VitalWave® Microstrom should open the pores of the skin into tiny bloodless funnels or whirlpools in the patient's flesh -- micro-Maelstroms -- for inserting nanobots and micro-miniaturised Raquel Welch microsurgeons into the body before they close again." *

"Strawberry infundibulum," AK vouchsafed.

The originator of all these gifts to humanity, Dr Heinz Reinwald, is a Heilpraktiker, which in the German system is the alt-med qualification you have when you don't have an alt-med qualification, and roughly translates as "someone who's practising to salute". He also holds a Ph.D in Political Economy to enhance his medicinal capabilities. We didn't cover all his products in the session, leaving out:

1. The AlphaQuant ®. No images are available but we are free to imagine a combination of a medical tricorder and a Hieronymus Machine but with more blinky lights. It involved Quantum, which is a unit of currency made by Native Americans out of polished shells; also non-linearity, vibrational Einstein, and Albert Szent-Györgyi polymeric semiconductors. But 'fractal' and 'chaos theory' are both absent from the description, possibly impacting on demand for the device, for it is no longer extant.

2. MAP ® -- Master Amino Acid Pattern -- a special dietary digestible combination of amino acids in the exact proportions specific to human protein composition. Someone else had already registered the trademark "Soylent Green".

3, Wait, could it be... our old friend...
It's not sodding GcMAF again, is it?
Buggrit all to heck, you have spoiled the dramatic build-up and the M. Night Shyamalan plot twists.
Face changing now, a Guernsey cow
Regular readers and card-holding members of the Riddled Fan-Club-and-Loyalty-Scheme will recall that first there was GcMAF -- and in particular, the injectable version refined from the juices of the dying by First Immune / Immuno Biotech, on Guernsey [for now we can ignore the mystic molecule's earlier 15 minutes of fame, when it was being produced for the CFS market via Yamamoto's process].

Then they called up their base on the radio, They said; "our supplies are running low"... so there was GOleic... which is GcMAF mixed with olive oil to create a synergistic molecular complex, more potent than before, it really works this time! Meanwhile Marco Ruggiero brought out Bravo Probiotic yoghurt -- contains bacterially-sourced GcMAF -- and the Noakes-Ruggiero terminal-cancer clinic near Lausanne offered the whole Swiss Protocol.
Which is a Robert Ludlam / Elleston Trevor spy-thriller collaboration
SHUT UP it is an immersive therapeutic regime of GcMAF injections, magic yogurt per vas nefandum, inhaled nebulised GOleic, GcMAF applied directly to the forehead, and a diet of Bravo Yogurt and MAP® pills.
Much like the life of a Guild Navigator.
Earlier this year, Dr Reinwald registered trademarks and registered domains including
As yet they lack content, but it would be irresponsible not to speculate that active-GOleic will be active, and will work, in contrast to earlier recensions, which also worked.

Presumably Dr Reinwald was invited into the Noakes / Ruggiero consortium to brandish their credenza bolster their credentials and burnish their credibility.

* This may sound bizarre, but there is precedent in Locus Solus:
It is no reflection on GOleic, and not the fault of its designers, that the panaceal compound brings out the worst in low-rent skeezy scamwagon-jumping grifters who aspire to join Leonard Coldwell at the apex of the pyramid. By way of exemplar -- picking her out of many for her Platonic archetypal quality -- behold the wonder that is Liliana Christine Siepe of LyraNara Inc, self-styled naturopathic doctor and holistic healer, who never met misinformation she didn't want to spread.
Breast cancer is psychosomatic (because Germanic
New Medicine
); AND most cases are not cancerous
at all, but clinicians knowingly misdiagnose
benign conditions to have the excuse to operate;
AND breast cancer is curable using her products
Between the Water Enlivening nozzles, Panacea Medicine, devices for Radionics and Quantum Resonance and Fractal Electroacupuncture, and her Holistic Online Diagnostic Service, Siepe takes a full-spectrum-dominance approach to separating new-age airheads from their money, so her claim to possess a supply of GOleic [US$780 / vial if you're buying in quantity] was inevitable. Siepe has repurposed a stock illustration of Nanotech by scribbling GOLEIC and GCMAF all over it with markers; but this is as far as she goes towards supplying potential customers with information, and any queries about quantities and administration elicit the same response, "Order it today!"

Oddly enough, Siepe is also co-owner of an Ontario optics company, specialising in (a) cutting-edge photonics and (b) synergies-innovative-entreneurial need-filling MBA-babble. However, the company is undergoing dissolution for non-compliance with reporting requirements, so perhaps she should have spent more time at her day job. In fact she has co-owned quite a number of hi-tech cutting-edge synergistic companies, at least one of which still exists.
Even in the eccentric milieu of the Swiss private-clinic demimonde, the QuantiSana Centre stands out, with a name that was chosen to sound like a brand of artisanal quinoa. But there can be no questioning the legitimate provenance of its Magic Yogurt and Rerum, for Dr Reinwald is on the payroll in his capacity as nutritional consultant [in such company as M. Schmieke, Consciousness Researcher].
Partly set in Swiss clinic
pharmaceutical factory
The proprietors, Alexander Glogg and Manfred Doepp, have qualified for their own entries in the European skeptic-wiki Psiram. They are big on
  • Electrosmog and tinfoil hats screening shields; 
  • Tachyon-technology radiation protection;
  • Distance healing;
  • TimeWaver radionics equipment [to harmonise the quantum vibrations of body and psyche by way of Kozyrev mirrors and compacted time flux density];
  • Universal Life [a litigious German re-invention of Christian Science, perhaps intended to make Steinerian Anthroposophy look sane in comparison];
  • and the full panoply of Reinwald merchandise.
Glogg and Doepp place great emphasis on the labyrinthine visual similarity between brains and intestines... perhaps in an attempt at Teutonic humour, so ideally they would have finished with an image of Huwawa, but no-one told them how the Rule of Three operates.
Bowels of Compassion
It is the whole merde-brain thing again.

My knowledge of private, secretive Swiss clinics near Lausanne, and of life-prolonging but human-sourced enzymes, comes from The Methuselah Enzyme. Thus no amount of high-priced weirdness -- justified more by the charisma and confidence and advertising nous of the medical director than on empirical success rate -- comes as a surprise. So it was a surprise when the Swiss authorities shut down the Mentius Clinic Noakes-Ruggiero GcMAF dispensary, but it turns out that they were primarily concerned by Noakes' principled rejection of paperwork and licenses.


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

"Hydrogen combines with oxygen, which makes it an anti-oxidant, right?

Seems like it makes Hydrogen PRO-oxygen to me, but perhaps you footie-ball types do everything different.

Pupienus Maximus said...

Sorry for the late notice: Sponsored by the DFW Trebuchet Society.

Smut Clyde said...

Sorry for the late notice:
Now I need to planoform to Plano.

Arthur Strebe Greebling said...

Sir, are the Riddled Laboratories aware of current research into the beneficial affects of homeopathically eating the Berlin Wall? One, of course, should remain skeptical about these claims as bordering on matarfying.

Smut Clyde said...

It is kind of you to ask, Mr Greebling, as it offers an opportunity to link to our coverage of Homeopathic Berlin Wall research from a few years ago.

these claims as bordering on matarfying.
Also mortarfying.

Arthur Strebe Greebling said...


rhwombat said...

Glogg und Doepp. Right. And they claim not to be gnomes?

Smut Clyde said...

Rhwombat is unfair. They could be characters in a Beckett play.