Sunday, November 29, 2015

Lotion (Placenta is a Crazy Place)¹

Freud to Jung, 1911:
NO must resist temptation... must not chase up Jung's pursuit of Gnosticism and pancake jellyfish imagery in medieval alchemy... must resist the birth / afterbirth theme in Gnostic cosmogony... the placenta symbolising the imperfect, irreal, derivative universe we occupy -- the creation of an incompetent Demiurge, in imitation of the real universe -- flung together from stucco and pebbledash. For that way lies madness, or Philip K. Dick novels, or a blogpost about Truthers, or some combination of all three.

Instead, by way of homage to a recent Respectful Insolence post about the culinary / medicinal possibilities of placentae, let us marvel at the wonder (or even vice versa) that is the Authentic Swiss MFIII Placenta Anti-Aging range.²

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! Why would you take a parasitical, flesh-dissolving, invasive tissue that burrows into the uterine lining and sucks out nutrients in the manner of mistletoe, and swallow it / inject it / smear it on as DNA Face Serum? NO GOOD WILL COME OF THIS.
It is the craziest thing since snail-slime spa treatment, or the Hagfish facials and Cyclostome-dermabrasive face lift which we have nearly perfected at the Riddled Cosmetoquackery Clinique. It is almost as crazy as Botanical Placenta skin tablets, from the same supplier:

But now we have embarked aboard HMS Doctor Grift, the medical-tourism Ship of Fools, we might as well look at some of the fine products from MFIII's parent company Lab-DOM Suisse, directly or through its subsidiary Lab-RMS.³

Products like MyoPep (a.k.a MyoSlim, a.k.a. MyoSport; sounds legit):
The natural ingredients in MYOPEP activate a multi-dimensional cascade of fat loss processes primarily through myostatin-inhibition.
a proprietary amino acid complex capable of inducing a pharmaceutical grade effect in human muscle and adipose fat function, specifically developed for application in aesthetic, sports and regenerative medicine.
Because the intended clients of Placebo DNA Face-creme are not alone in their generosity with disposable income and their absence of skepticism; there are also the body-dysmorphic muscle-head narcissists.

And EnhancePep:
a new TGA-certified sexual health supplement that acts as an advanced libido booster and sexual performance enhancer, and a preventive system against potential future onset of erectile dysfunction and sexual disorders for both men and women.
They weren't likely to neglect that lucrative market, were they?
Then we read of
Lab Dom's senior medical consultant Prof. Dr. Richard DeAndrea
which is a name to conjure in the scammosphere. Can Magical Immune-boosting protein GcMAF be far away?
No-one in the GcMAF industry seems to worry about cheapening the brand.
Other Lab-RMS products are left as an exercise for the reader. Here for your convenience is the entire Buffet-of-Bullshit scamacopoeia-smorgesbord  from a year ago.*
1. Title link here.
In the interests of full disclosure we note that "the famous placets of the alchemist Paracelsus" may not exist outside the pages of Locus Solus.*

2. Being legally domiciled in Switzerland provides the company with imagery of pristine Alpine purity, but it primarily targets Asian suckers. Its founders and owners (Mike Chan and Michelle Wong) recently sold the brand to NexGen, which is a Hong Kong / Malaysian empire with an inordinate fondness for Helvetian branding.* Buy your Anointable Afterbirth now before the price goes up!

3. Lab-RMS is a collaboration between Lab-DOM and Vasilis Paspaliaris of Adistem and Tithon Biotech -- previously a Melbourne-based stem-cell entrepreneur, but stem-sell medical-tourism therapy seems to be losing its lustre in recent years. RMS is for "Regenerative Medical Solutions".

Twenty years ago, Vasilis Paspaliaris was a brilliant young scholar with a PhD in parathyroid-hormone-related-protein and a promising research career ahead of him. Now he leverages the synergies with innovative amino-acid combinations to burn fat and build muscle and restore virility. It is hard to predict the trajectory one's life will follow.
* UPDATE: Speaking of early-Renaissance charlatans: readers may enjoy this alt-med-tourism prospectus from 2012, in which Chan, Wong, Paspaliaris and their other employees delivered sales-talk seminars in the illustrious company of Dr Thomas Rau from the Paracelsus Clinic and his employees... so it was all electromagnetic-based treatment modalities; Chinese medicine; Biological Dental Therapies; the Light Noise Detector; Psychophysiological Regulation Therapy; geopathic stress; Darkfield microscopy; Asian fusion restaurants; and fritillary calenture hatstand.
The Paracelsus Clinic is yet another of the hotbeds of villainy that thrive under the Swiss regime of medical regulation and its central ethos of "never turn down money from tourists". In this case serving up an eclectic, non-judgemental mushed-together slurry of modalities like live-cell xenografts and Anthroposophic bafflegab (the common element being that they were discredited and abandoned long enough to acquire a mucosal sheen of novelty upon their revival), for which Rau has coined the title of SBM, Swiss Biological Medicine ("a large assortment of nonstandard treatments", in the more measured words of Stephen Barrett). As opposed to rival therapeutic regimens which are presumably minerological in nature.

Its relationship with Lab-DOM Suisse is fraught. Clearly they were playing nicely together in 2012. There has been a fair amount of coming and going of directors between their corporate boards. And an inspection of the domain names and websites housed on the Nexgen name-servers reveals variants of and, currently squatted but unbuilt-on, a habitat for tumbleweeds and crickets.

The inspection also reveals so many signifiers of Swissness crowded into Malaysian cyberspace that it is only a matter of time before morphogenic resonance causes an exact replica of Mont Blanc to erupt in the middle of downtown Kuala Lumpur, and fondue to become the Malaysian national dish. We note in passing that the various Lab-RMS peptide-pimping domains have resided on Nexgen name-servers since at least 2012, suggesting that the disingenuous "Purchased by Nexgen" press release is more of an internal corporate restructuring than an intervention from outside.

But via Stephen Barrett at Quackbuster we learn that a year ago, the Paracelsus Clinic was serving the Geneva branch of Lab-Dom with Cease-and-Desist letters, accusing them of stealing the Clinic's good name and posing as its owners. Infamy! Blaggardry!

It would be uncharitable to root for injuries.


Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Yoh-Vombis nutriceuticals... it has a certain ring to it. Why must I be burdened with a conscience?

Smut Clyde said...

Presumably that is the only obstacle in the way of your Yuggoth Interplanetary Tourism business venture.

Another Kiwi said...

I want multi-dimensional cascades of... anything really. Chocolate would be nice or Emerson's Porter. I expect that beer cascades more betterer than chocolate. Also multi dimensional might piss off those beings that inhabit other dimensions and then it will all be on for young and old.
Imagine the Zymterian Battle Fleet (Horsehead Nebula Division) materialising over New Zild and saying "What the fuck is it with cascading Nestles milk tray on us, puny humans? Taste our Zymterian disruptor beams."
"Oh, so one changed the batteries, and I'll bet there's no spares. Just wait here humans, if we can find the bleedin' portal again since someone's cat ate the bloody map!"

rhwombat said...

Smut: You do realise that scamedicine is addictive? Look what happened to all those bright young post-docs - first it was just a quick junket to Thailand to hear the latest on holistic cosmetic ethics and stem cell quantum nutrition, but before long, it's a lifelong addiction to homeopathic raw turnip-derived GcMAF smoothies. Repent! Repent! Repe.....Arrghhhhh!!!!!

AK: No worries, Cuz.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Ya know, the best thing about the internet is that you can recover from esprit d'escalier... Here's what I should have posted:

We drink elixirs that we refine from the juices of the birthing.

Smut Clyde said...

you can recover from esprit d'escalier

I drank two glasses of Esprit d'Escalier last night and I have NOT YET RECOVERED.
Some things are not meant to be fermented and distilled.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Stairway to heavin'...

Another Kiwi said...

Mr 4B wins the intertubes.

Smut Clyde said...

Two pints of double-hopped Treppenwitz for Mr B^4!

M. Bouffant said...

Ho ho, BBBB. Good thing I wasn't drinking.

In the Learn Something New Dep't.: Always thought RMS was "Root Mean Square".