Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Big Pharma Supple

Here at the Riddled Research Laboratory we have had enough experience with 'Computer Intuition' to develop a level of skepticism. It generally ends badly, with the computer turning off life-support for the crew on account of an intuition that their survival would threaten the success of the mission. Or failing that, the computer intuits a sure thing in the 3.10 at the Tauherenikau Boxing-Day Races and advises us to bet everything on 'Hot Needle of Inquiry'.

So it was intriguing to learn that one Doctor Hanan Polansky has harnessed Computer Intuition to descry patterns buried within countless data points, and extrapolate from them to predict the ineluctable future stages of scientific discovery.
Dr Polansky could be using his unique scientific method for evil, so we are fortunate indeed that he is only employing it to automate a literature search of medical quackery, revealing that five ingredients feature heavily in the claims of various charlatans and scamsters -- Green Tea Extract, Quercetin, Licorice Extract, Cinnamon Extract and Selenium -- and therefore a pill containing all those ingredients will be synergistically double-plus good:
polyDNA is a biotechnology company that develops dietary supplements using the unique scientific method developed by Dr. Hanan Polansky, which is based on Computer Intuition.
In addition to his unique scientific method, Dr. Polansky published the highly acclaimed scientific discovery, called Microcompetition with Foreign DNA. The discovery explains how foreign DNA fragments, and specifically, DNA of latent viruses, cause most major diseases.
With so many constituents, no wonder his dietary supplement capsules are so feckin' large. I mean, they must be the size of cantaloupes.
Left: Lady doctor [with stethoscope]

Right: Lady doctor menaced by
stonkin' huge bottle of tablets
Science fiction is partly to blame, with its promises that in the future we would all be subsisting on convenient concentrated food tablets no larger than a Wimpyburger. Inevitably this trend was accompanied by a compensatory shift in the size and the number of dietary supplements which people took, to fill real and imagined dietary deficiencies. Despite the claim implied in their title, they are not making me noticeably more supple.

Anyway, it is reassuring to learn that the anti-viral properties of Gene-Eden-VIR have been scientifically proven, in a SCIRP journal no less.  Apparently the placebo effect could not have contributed to the positive responses from Gene-Eden-VIR customers, because they bought the product without being influenced by anything in the marketing which could have led them to expect an improvement in their condition:
Oops, we have just heard that the Riddled Ktistec machine has been thrown out of a New Years Eve party for hitting on a servo mechanism, on account of an intuition that she was giving him the eye. BRB.

Must credit Narad for inspiration! More on Polansky and Computer Intuition here.


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I am using my Computer Intuition to wish you a HAPPY New Year.

And to give you a special invitation to my new investment opporknockity, SuppleMints™. Imagine the potentialbility!

tigris said...

Green Tea Extract, Quercetin, Licorice Extract, Cinnamon Extract and Selenium

Oh crap, I see the secret Christmas ale recipe isn't anymore.