Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Orly?

An evolutionary psychologist of note, regularly ridiculed at Pharyngula for the crap nature of his junk-science research, reported that women who use condoms are depressed compared to those take part in unprotected sex.
Supposedly this is because semen contains oxytocin. The Just-So story evo-psych explanation is that women have evolved to need regular doses of oxytocin administered in this way, to motivate them to have sex and form pair bonds:*
Odds are, men's semen makes women happy. It would biologically make sense, and I and the various friends who I discussed it with today have seen its effects and generally agree.
You know what contains even more oxytocin?

It is satisfying to know that there is a Just-So story evo-psych explanation for the behaviour of zombies.

* One might wonder why Evolution did not pick on a less Byzantine mechanism -- e.g. evolving women to enjoy sex -- but only if one is not an evolutionary psychologist.
There is also the problem that oxytocin does not cross the blood-brain barrier and has no behavioural effect unless it is administered as a nasal spray (or injected straight into the brain), but NEVER MIND.
----------------------------------------
In other news, some smart person at Lancôme came up with "taint" as a name for a new facial.

I look forward to the release of competing lotions with names like Contamination, Degradation and Moneyshot.**

** Also a good name for a law firm.

24 comments:

vacuumslayer said...

Sorry, guys. Not gonna happen. Have you seen my nostrils? They're pretty skinny.

alison said...

un-bloody-believeable! Or it would be, if not for the fact that I've come to expect such nonsense from the evo-psycho lot...

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I knew this blog would be exposed for the sience-hating* type that it is!

*Beavis speeling.
~

Smut Clyde said...

Another person who reached the same conclusion was, oddly enough, Marie Stopes. She recommended diaphragms* for birth control rather than condoms, since the latter blocked the rehydrating, health-giving powers of the magical semen:
'[...] a woman's need and hunger for nourishment in sex union is a true physiological hunger to be satisfied only by the supplying of the actual molecular substances lacked by her system'.

However, (a) this was 1928, and (b) Stopes was not a clear thinker on many subjects.

I am unable to find a recipe for the prostate-gland-extract pills that she recommended for married women whose husbands were elsewhere, or unmarried women who wished to remain chaste. I am assuming that they involved an unwilling donor and a blender.

* Or diaphragmata.

Willy said...

"Teint Miracle"

Vaginoplasty in a bottle? Also, the ad is missing one of them 'facial massagers'.

Emma said...

That is truly amazing! So then, for lesbians, achieving real happiness is genuinely impossible? Whereas gay men in committed, monogamous, condom-free relationships are continually having to fend off being shucked, because they're so happy they're always being mistaken for clams? Gosh. That looks pretty scientifically plausible to me!

The make-up thing, though — nothing could surprise me there. They have to convince you that there's something horribly wrong with you in order to sell you the product in the first place. It's just that the sloppily-shaded allusions to disease are usually only found in the 'before' picture.

Although 'tient' does sound sorta French.
('Sorta French' being the common parlance of the beauté ad.)

El Snacktator said...

What about submarines and their seamen?

El Snacktator said...

Also, El is familiar with the effect his cream filling has on people.

mikey said...

So, I guess this means that if I were to stop all the self abuse altogether, just cease touching myself, delete the RedTube bookmarks and take up something wholesome, like, say, scrapbooking, my happiness level would increase every day even as my nutsack swelled to geographic proportions?

Nah. I'll pass. Nothing really wrong with being miserable, when you look at it in context...

tigris said...

Mikey raises an important problem with the scientists' thinking: if that shit is so great, why are guys always trying to unload it? So to speak.

Substance McGravitas said...

Clearly the solution is for men to fuck themselves.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

I look forward to the release of competing lotions with names like Contamination, Degradation and Moneyshot.**

Heh heh... Lancome...

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Whereas gay men in committed, monogamous, condom-free relationships are continually having to fend off being shucked, because they're so happy they're always being mistaken for clams?

Hence the term gay.

Emma said...

Hence the term gay.

How humiliating for me.

Von said...

In other news, you are the funniest MFers I know.
For realz.

Another Kiwi said...

Because we are self-made happy, Von

Smut Clyde said...

The Riddled Products Branch reports that "Whiff of Corruption" male cologne is not selling as well as we'd like.

Trevor said...

Had you considered rebranding it "Puits de Nuit" or, less subtly, "Sexe d'Homme"? It could work.

tigris said...

Teint de l'Homme certainly didn't work.

tigris said...

Émissions nocturnes surged in early groups, which surprised many.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I hope The Riddled Products Branch is listening to tigris. She seems clued in.
~

Smut Clyde said...

Émissions nocturne

I'm pretty sure that was a Debussy composition.

Kathleen said...

I remember well when Einstein introduced his Theory of Relativity with "Odds are..."
and then of course followed with the Check-In With Reliable Sources, Possibly A Cab Driver "and I and the various friends who I discussed it with today have seen its effects and generally agree"

tigris said...

Debussy? I thought it was Varèse. Shows what I know.