Monday, November 23, 2015

How do you say "spam" in Lorem Ipsum?

This is a real arrival in the Riddled mailbox. Full marks to the Biovision Marketing Department!
------------------------- Original Message -------------------------
Subject: Metabolism, Apoptosis, Epigenetics Assays from BioVision
From:    "Biovision" []
Date:    Tue, November 24, 2015 6:37 am
To:      [redacted]

Intro title:
Title of Email
Hello [redacted],

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Mktoweb, Inc. 100 Webster Street, Suite 404, City of Commerce, CA 99999

Contact Us <#>

Saturday, November 21, 2015

I'm Swiss and I'm spending the night

The Swiss Protocol® is:
1. An elaborate ritual of signals, counter-signals and deniability used when negotiating bribes with Sepp Blatter.

2. Zurich's hardest-working Procol Harum covers band.

3. An immersive, integrative mash-up of all the nostrums, dietary substitutes and supplements, tests and gadgetry available to a cancer clinic, without evidence of efficacy in delaying death, but maximising the extraction of money during the patient's remaining life-span.

3. A techno-thriller written collaboratively and posthumously by Robert Ludlam and Elleston Trevor.

It transpires that none of the answers are wholly correct (but #3 is closest to the truth so I award myself the prize), for there is no single Swiss Protocol® [also known as the Ruggiero Protocol after the eponymous Swiss clinic attracted adverse attention from local authorities on account of too many dead patients]. GOleic is involved in most of the variants... this is the magic protein GcMAF, bonded with olive oil to make it more potent and less detectable.

"Is it GcMAF again?" Another Kiwi vouchsafed. "I thought you promised to give the GcMAF-blogging a break."

"I did," I explained, "but I seem to have fallen under a Geas to continue until some brave and venturesome publisher offers me a princely sum of beer money or shiny milk bottle tops to journamalise  the whole saga into a book-length exposé. Or a roman à clef. Whichever comes first."
Sustaining visualisation
You want a Swiss Protocol with morally-improving positive-emotion visualisation exercises? That's fine, we can do that!

You want your Swiss Protocol to stipulate a water de-acidifier? We can get that for you wholesale

If a clinic is set up to do ultrasound imaging, then sonoporation becomes integral to the Protocol... this is where the clinicians dress up as Dr McCoy and pretend that the scanner is a medical tricorder that weakens the blood/brain barrier.

Another Kiwi wants his Swiss Protocol to include fresh deer vomit. It may be that he is taking the piss.

Perhaps you prefer Tumor Metabolic Typing as an inherent part of your Swiss Protocol. No trouble -- turning to the Netherlands, we find that is on the case. I am inclined to take that as evidence that the site owner is in possession of a Tumor Metabolic Typing device.
Cheap imitation molecules
The site owner, one Michael van Gils, proves to be an Orthomolecular Therapist, which means (I think) that he advises his clients on how to consist of proper molecules rather than cheap imitations. Previously purveying GcMAF through what was then the Linus Pauling Kliniek and is now Revitalis, he is opening a chain of Thalamo clinics.

Let me just note now that our sudden interest in researching the Netherlands is absolutely nothing to do with any plan to turn the inevitable movie adaptation of the muck-raking exposé into one of those travelogue thrillers that visit half the cities of Europe, with tourism promotion boards subsidising the production costs.

Because Legal Reasons, Michael's sites do not divulge information about GOleic, Bravo Magic Yoghurt and MAP protein-pills to the uninitiated; it is password-protected, confined to registered patients and interested practitioners. The task of infiltrating the site -- registering, swearing the oath, signing away the first-born -- all these are left as an exercise for the reader.

It is a delight to report, as a contrast to some of the personalities that one encounters in the GcMAF milieu, that van Gils is not a late-coming opportunistic grifter. The Lnius-Pauling Kliniek was already announcing the arrival of genuine GcMAF with Professor Yamamoto's imprimatur, in a press release back in 2013, at the height of concerns about the provenance of some of the unlabeled ampoules changing hands in dark alleys. Of course that was before the name of Yamamoto fell into disrepute and obloquy for making stuff up, and apes and bats defiled the fallen Tablets of his ancestors, and the initial enthusiasm from Dutch cancer-support bloggers turned all recriminatory about the price and inefficacy of a course of treatment(not to mention the regular €125 bills for sending blood samples off to Yamamoto to be tested for Nagalase at his non-existent Socrates Institute).

More to the point, van Gils recently met with Marco Ruggiero (notable promoter of GcMAF and impresario of magic yoghurt) to learn the dark Swiss Protocolic secrets and be photographed with him: baptised, as it were, in the River Jordan of fermented milk.

"Roman A Clef, I thought he was an actor in Sergio Leone's spaghetti westerns."
"He can play the part of Marco Ruggiero in the movie adaptation."
These helpful diagrams from the Quantisana clinic -- showing Waldeyer's Tonsillar Ring of MALT tissues, and how it was pre-discovered as Chinese oral-acupuncture meridians -- are too good to omit.
Some might wonder how the GcMAF protein can enter the bloodstream to do its work, when taken orally, for it must survive the digestive process (the suppository route has similar problems, the large intestine not being noted for its protein-absorptive role). The explanatory bafflegab relies upon these lymph-system tissues in the throat, for in Ruggiero's alternative physiology, detecting antigens is the same as digestion.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Make way for ducklings!
Wings wetted down Stumbling on the ground

This happens every year (though it only got in the media last year). A mated pair of Paradise Shelducks like to rear their shelducklings in the security of the Karori Wildlife Sanctuary. But they also prefer to nest in Wilton Bush, a kilometer or so away, then walk the ducklings along the road to the sanctuary when they're old enough, and stand around outside the predator-proof fencing impatiently stamping their webbed feet until someone opens the gate.
The on-duty Constable was driving on Curtis St, Wilton, when he spotted an unusual road hazard - a duck family defying the efforts of a group of local people to get them to safety. Residents had found the paradise shelducks honking at a storm drain after two of the nine ducklings had fallen into the drain. [...]
"They were causing a few problems, going from the footpath into the road, and cars were having to manoeuvre around them," Simpson said. "They knew where they wanted to go and we were pushing them the wrong way."
When the procession reached Chaytor St - the main road to Karori - Simpson stopped the busy holiday traffic to let them cross.
The family of ducks reached the safety of Appleton Park and Simpson returned to keeping a watchful eye on holiday drivers. However, the odyssey was far from over as the ducks also continued - supervised by the locals - all the way to Zealandia wildlife sanctuary, where they waited at the door until a staff member returned to work to let them in.
Here's their family this year.
Having this sort of event happen once -- even in fiction -- makes it easier for similar events to happen in the future. It is a manifestation of Shelduck's Morphic Resonance.

UPDATE: Forgot to mention that there is a reason why the shelduck pair are reluctant to nest in the sanctuary itself, as bad things occurred four years ago.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking up skirts

For grate justice!
TOKYO: A man in Japan who hid in a drain for five hours, allegedly to snap photos up women's skirts, was given away when passers-by spotted his hair sticking out of a grate, police and reports said.
Yasuomi Hirai, 28, allegedly squeezed himself in a section of a gutter 28 centimetres (11 inches) wide, with his head under a piece of iron grating, a police spokesman said Wednesday (Nov 11).
"His hair got caught at the edge of the grate, which drew the attention of some pedestrians," the spokesman with the Hyogo prefectural police in Kobe told AFP.
Hirai responded to police grilling:
Hirai reportedly told police at the time that he wanted to be reborn as "part of pavement in the next life."
IIRC, the road to Hell requires good intentions as the primary paving material.

1 0 minutes since most recent birth of potential customer

Here at Riddled we take our obligation seriously to bring you the finest artisanal stupidity, still dewy and fresh-picked from the Stupid Trees. With that in mind, behold the glory that is Remote Radionic Diagnostics for Business:

With our Quantum-response technology, we solve your private and business problems

To evaluate your business, we do not use questionnaires or personnel interviews or disturb your activities when checking the paperwork and visiting different departments. To perform our estimations, we use "blueprints" of your business, which can be pictures of your facility, business cards, brochures, logos, signatures or handwritten texts. These are unique to your company or a person, and it works like a cell number that will always call you independently, wherever you are located; somebody dials the number, the ring in the form of electromagnetic waves propagates between you and the caller and you pick up the call.

These blueprints are then analysed with our quantum-response hardware and software, which offsets the collected information against that already in the software-recorded data. This information is displayed as a score (value from +10-0-10) versus a level number (1-12). The score is negative when there is a problem and positive when there is a positive feature; but a storehouse with +10 also means that it is overfilled, and this might be critical, because products were not sold on time and accumulated in the warehouse

The level numbers are related to the types of causes: a level of 1-3 means an organic, present, acute problem. Levels 4-6 are causal levels, which mean that they are not manifested yet, but the causes' matrix or the scaffold already exists; soon, these problems will become a reality. Levels 7-9 are mostly people-psychology-related; the cumulated energetic and psychological level is on the brink of a problem for the company. Finally, levels 10-12 are structural, inherited problems, such as the business being a wrong choice, the ownership or management not acting in the best interests of the company, market is down, or location is not appropriate.

This is all my bum to do with bringing String Theory Psychology and Informational Quantum Physics into business consultancy, as is explained in an Ax-scented haze of bafflegab on the Consultionic front page. Along with a bogus motivational quote that appears to have been copied from Celestial Seasonings packaging. Nor should the Terms of Use be forgotten, requiring 297 words of appropriated but inappropriate boilerplate when four words would have made the same point, "For Entertainment Purposes Only". I have no idea why one would want to plate a boiler, or what materials to use, but fortunately there are people who make this their field of expertise.
The only way this could be possibly be improved is by complementing each diagnosis of corporate malaise with an offer of homeopathic treatment, or perhaps a course of electrochromatic acupuncture, shining coloured lasers at the meridians of the organisational chart.

Laser acupuncture: Blofeld expects Bond to re-
cover from his diabetes and chronic Lyme disease
The people behind Consultionic also run Lyra Nara, which sells [inter alia] Quantum Radionic Vibrational-Frequency diagnoses for human dis-ease, across the Interlattice (physical proximity not required because Quantum Entanglement). Cleverly they saw how to apply the same general principles in a different way of curing the widespread problem of bloated-wallet syndrome. We are sure that they appreciate the salutary nature of insights from outside consultants, and that they have received our advice, by way of Quantum Entanglement, saving us the bother of sending it. The bill will follow via more traditional channels of communication.

In other activities, Christine Siepe and Alexandru Ilie were previously leveraging the synergies and innovating the paradigms with disruptive technology at the Gesi Optics photonics company. But now this is happening:
Status of Annual Filings
  1. 2015 - Overdue
  2. 2014 - Overdue
Active - Dissolution Pending (Non-compliance)
If only a Business Consultancy had scanned the frequencies of Siepe's business card and advised her to fulfill her fiduciary paperwork, the company would still be fine!
Not one, but three Franz Kahn images of
remote diagnosis, such is our generosity

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Town pigeon, country pigeon

This is the time of year when the NZ native pigeons gorge themselves on broom flowers and tree lucerne, then get blorched out and fall out of the foliage and sit there on the ground, looking perplexed, waiting for someone to wander by and put them in a pie.

In terms of brain-to-body ratio, they are right down there with Brâncuși's Măiastra.

Crappy Logos: Not just a Tangerine Dream album

This might be appropriate for selling bikinis, or offering a pubic-topiary service. Not so much for a Dutch orthomolecular / lifestyle crank.