Friday, October 21, 2016

"Bother!" said Pooh, as the first landing ships of the Kzinti expeditionary force touched down in the Hundred-Aker Wood

"You scream and you leap," explained Tigger
I would pay good money 400 NZQuatloos for a mash-up of "House at Pooh Corner" and "Fight Club" which ends with Eeyore's acceptance that the Tigger character, visible only to him, has all along been simply a projection of a repressed aspect of his personality.
Alas, the externalised aspect of my own personality refuses to write it.

Also, why is there no Unicode character / pictogram for "Quatloo"? THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE, World.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

The Congress and the Congress

Lawks a'mercy! Is there no end to the excitement? [Spoiler alert ---- NO]. One checks the Riddled mailbox, eagerly hoping that the Brewers After Dark 2017 Nude Calendar one ordered from that special website has finally arrived, only to find a personalised, cajoling invitation to a Conference. One's heart is all a-flutter as one spits a mouthful of Spargelpony Asparagus Witbier.

The specific nature of the meeting is not clear from the missive, which is a chimaeric mosaic of sorts, a kind of quantum wavefunction superposition: it vacillates between expecting my company at MHF-2017 [Mental Health Forum], and HCC-2017 [Health Care Congress]... not to mention ICN-2017 [International Conference of Neuroscience], and ILCS-2017 [International Lung Cancer Symposium]. Could these all be the same meeting, viewed from different perspectives in the manner of Rashōmon? Perhaps attendees will wear colour-coded clothing, and will be issued with bandpass goggles that only allow them to see other members of the conference they selected. Perhaps the organisers, having booked a particular venue for a particular weekend, are naturally eager to maximise their ROI by luring suckers there on as many different pretexts as possible.

Congress facilities were not as advertised
So the Coordinator of this congress lacks coordinatory capacity over the template for the spammograms she signs. Also she continues the theme of denominative ambiguity. With only an initial in the place of a surname, the semi- anonymous Marie E. appears to have stepped straight from the adhesive pages of Victorian pornography... along with the forbidding but hotblooded Marquise de P., Brigadier Arbuthnot F. of the __th Fusiliers, and saucy demi-mondaine Daphne W.

Following the links from the "Pioneer Century Science" conference pages leads us to Global Century Science Group, the parent organisation, organ-grinder to the monkey. Its site consists largely of a list of destinations and a general theme of getting people to them by any means short of abduction. That is to say, GCSG is primarily a travel agency that has fallen upon hard times and has been reduced to walking the mockademic-meeting side of the street.

One has long imagined that automation had taken over the process of scouring antisocial networks and publishers' websites for e-addresses of suckers to harass with solicitous spambuscades, i.e. that conference grifters rely on software. How it will cheer you, gentle reader, to learn that great corporations like PCS retain the personal touch... they outsource the dirty work to Mumbai. There are things that software scripts have too much pride and principle to do.*

"Collect data and potential speaker' -s contacts by professional publications or keywords from internet resources"

So there is a career pathway: study for a B.Sc or Masterate or Pharmacy degree, qualify for a career of stalking academics for their contact details so Chinese conmen can target them. The vocational-guidance advisors at school never mentioned this particular match to one's aptitudes. O brave new world, that has such job niches in't! Oh globalisation!!
Smut burying a lede
But perhaps one is burying the lede here. For there are SHOCKING REVELATIONS: Only last year, one Iris Fu from the BIT Life Sciences Group was badgering John Podesta to attend and speak at the 6th Low Carbon & Green Growth Earth Summit. The invitation does not mention the $1300 registration fee levied upon speakers and non-speakers alike. Wikileaks has the full story, brought to us by way of Julian Assange, Russian hackers and vulnerable e-mail accounts.
Dear John Podesta,
On behalf of the Organizing Committee, it is a great honor for me to welcome you to join BIT¡¯s 6th Low Carbon & Green Growth Earth Summit (LCGGES-2016) as a Speaker in GG108:Low Carbon Clean Technology of Forum GG1: Mitigation & Adaption, which will be held on June 30-July 3, 2016 in Korea International Exhibition & Conference Center (KINTEX), Gyeonggi-do, South Korea.
Keynote speakers were not as advertised
As any fule kno, this BIT Group is one of the longer-established players in the field. They started out on the fish-head circuit [H.S.Thompson 1973] in the 2000s, operating out of an office in a technology park in Dalian, organising meetings at second-tier venues and palming them off to credulous foreigners as Major Prestigious Events that fully warranted a $2000 registration. In the course of growth they acquired a reputation for shenanigans:
  1. spamming people relentlessly;
  2. packing out the venue with multiple simultaneous meetings;
  3. stonewalling on the concept of "paying an invited speaker's travel expenses", while offering a bounty in the form of discounted attendance if you manage to recruit enough other suckers;
  4. pioneering the passive-aggressive grift of wording an initial letter as if it were the third or fourth reminder, in the hope of instilling the recipient with a sense of guilt for ignoring the non-existent earlier communications;
  5. adorning their promissory programs with the names of noted authorities in a field, neglecting the minor formality of notifying those individuals that they had been enlisted as Keynote Speakers or Meeting Co-Chairs;
  6. being easily counter-pwned by bogus promises of a speech. For instance, from Dr Kurt Buttnase of the Center for Extraterrestrial Sciences, on "Effective eradication of the bit bug by massive response with mocked-up targets" [read the whole thing].
At some point BIT Life Sciences / BIT Congress people realised that simply charging for attendance (and handling accommodation) was leaving money on the table, as it left attendees (or their travel agencies) to book their airfares. They became BIT World Travel Group.

Travel arrangements not first-class as promised

Then BIT World Travel Inc in turn spawned Pioneer Century Science Conferences, which is where we started. Pai & Franco write of the two companies as if they compete:
...but in fact the same person, Ms Helen Zhao, runs both. The companies are two buttocks of a single bum [T. Sturge Moore 1911].

So far the mainstream media have ignored the shocking news of a Clinton advisor's links to the scamference industry, which is to say a direct link to Secretary Clinton herself, but it is only a matter of time.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

BONUS passive-aggressive grifting: Bio-Accent Open Journal (which is to say Ravishankar Kuppala of Hyderabad) tries the guilt-trip gambit for eliciting manuscripts. "If you don't give me your valuable paper and pay me for it, we won't be able to put the next issue of my skeevy little journal on-line!"

Hmm, difficult choice.

When they are not channeling pathos and pity-fucks through a publishing company named like a detergent additive, Ravi and Raju are directors of Isoy Info Technologies and Endos Info Technologies. I hope they are a little less annoying in those endeavours as the computer-software industry is not so receptive to sadness.

* The Facebukkake is littered with the pages of people proudly boasting that they received an invitation to be speaker at a Prestigious PCS Conference. Do they also boast about how their financial acumen has been recognised when they receive business-collaboration offers from a Nigerian Prince?

Friday, October 14, 2016

Gorbachev Sings Tractors:
Turnip! Buttocks!

The headline-writers at the ComPost (Wellington's paper of note) appear to have run out of fucks to give.

Donald Trump is probably to blame somehow, although precisely how is not immediately obvious.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

New Trump plagiarism scandal

Donald's latest call for Total War against the jewish- bolshevik banker-media conspiracy appears to have been cribbed verbatim from the 1943 Sportspalast speech.
For them, it's a war. And for them, nothing at all is out of bounds. This is a struggle for the survival of our nation. Believe me. And this will be our last chance to save it on November 8th. Remember that. This election will determine whether we're a free nation or whether we have only the illusion of democracy but are, in fact, controlled by a small handful of global special interests rigging the system.

The establishment and their media enablers wield control over this nation through means that are very well known. Anyone who challenges their control is deemed a sexist, a racist, a xenophobe and morally deformed. They will attack you. They will slander you. They will seek to destroy your career and your family. They will seek to destroy everything about you, including your reputation. They will lie, lie, lie. And then, again, they will do worse than that. They will do whatever's necessary. They want to bring chaos to the Reich and Europe, using the resulting hopelessness and desperation to establish their international, Bolshevist-concealed capitalist tyranny.

I ask you: Do you want total war? If necessary, do you want a war more total and radical than anything that we can even yet imagine?

Perhaps Wire can be persuaded to dedicate this track to the Trump candidacy:

Saturday, October 8, 2016

I want your wife to be my baby tonight
I choose to steal what you chose to show
And you know I will not apologize
I'm making a career of evil

Here in distant Hobbiton we keep our ears to the grindstone and our noses to the ground. Thus we are appraised through various covert sources of bad craziness and implausible goings-on in Americanic politics, in the form of a tape in which a failed conman brags of his career of sexually assaulting women, and the subsequent discovery that the conman in question somehow became the Republican candidate for the Presidential election.

The more dedicated fluffers and apologists for his cause have come up with the intriguing excuse that Trump's sexual-predator boasting and low-life mode of self-expression can really be blamed on the corrosive effect of rap music, and really the violent misogyny of his conversation is no worse than the average rap lyrics. Alas, many other Republican candidates are not entirely reassured by this line of rhetoric, and foresee an immanent decline in Trump's ratings. Thus they are distancing themselves from his campaign, or even retracting their earlier endorsements.

One seldom encounters a case of shits leaving a sinking rap.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

A Productive Cough

Now, of course, one is a happy little work unit, going about not asking difficult questions and NOT seeing quite a lot, while making the world safe for capitalism (Bragg 1990). And part of that is the, dare we say it, fetishisation, of something called productivity.
"AH HAH" I hear you Joanna and Johnny Socialist exclaim "THAT'S JUST ANOTHER NAME FOR EXPLOITATION!" I really think that there was no need for the exclamation mark there, but you young folks today with your fancy intertubes and smartphones.
 Anyway when we put your accusation through the "Milton Friedman Answer-matic to combat Socialists dogmas and such" we get "Maybe it is IVAN. Or maybe it's not, we'll have to have a faculty meeting in Davros to see."
Yes we in New Zild clung hopefully to the olive branch of productivity, hoping that the Dove of Rising Economics will alight and, presumably using super powers gained through eating a radioactive peanut, carry us back to a Noah-like figure who is actually a sort of boss person whose son has just had a traumatising experience in the NZ court and been sentenced to 3 hours cleaning the Prime Ministers golf cart.
 Immediately he offers us a job sweeping out the Ark and through olfactory deadening hard work and several mysterious deaths we rise to control the Ark and challenge God himself...If, like Mel Gibson is involved.
 But as is usual in these sceptred isles (Shakespeare, olden days) to maintain the proper respect and discipline that PRODUCTIVITY demands of us all, we have a commission of Productivity. That's right a group of people, might one hazard a guess and say predominately white, male people?, who ensure that the correct observances are made and the proper sacrifices sent to the ravenous maws of the True Gods. Extensive research finds that only 5/7ths of the commission are white males. Everyone is lily coloured, however.
But, there they were, sitting around, watching daytime TV, buying fartbombs via the internet, sending cat videos to each other and they thought "You know, we haven't buggered about with tertiary education for a good week or so, let's have another whack at them, eh". Being the government's japesters that they are the commissioners had to consider the fee-fees of the National Party BFF the ACT party, who are a bunch of cold eyed society stranglers have made a few appearances in the pages of Riddled.
So the usual Randian ideas were cut and pasted into a document which was duly released into the wilds. 
Have I mentioned that one of my contracts at the moment involves driving around taking swab samples from cow and sheep poo? I'm pretty good at this thing now and  get the swab into it's tube and back into the swab bag with no mess. In a strikingly similar exercise the Productivity Commission seems to done the job blindfolded and using swabs taped to their foreheads.
This "paper" advocates a "Shake-Up" of the tertiary system that seems to be modeled on the Shake-Up that the Fukushima nuclear plant underwent.
Government would no longer have to pay for debts that universities incur, there would be a loosening of regulations about what constitutes a university and post grad supervisors would no longer have to be involved in research! Brave days, my friends and a green light went on in the Riddled Institute tea-room.
These people's outdated and stupid ideas will blight us all if implemented. They have learned nothing from the last 30 years of NZ economic rationalism experiment and can't see the damage they do, even as they do it. Interesting to see that they all have degrees too, I wonder what their student loan levels were? Oh wait, we didn't have them in our day, did we? Fuck 'em (Stipe 1993)
But they have been productive.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Dear Editors,
I never thought this would happen to me, but...

...the barstaff at The Union gave me a free pint of Naked Fox IPA -- "This one's on the house".

It may have helped that I had been scribbling work-related stuff at my end of the bar, occasionally looking up to marvel at the amount of physical exercise that goes into mixing cocktails, and at the supply of cocktail-related fruit and herbs that gave that end of the bar the appearance of a miniature greengrocery. Perhaps the mixologist had mistaken me for a bar reviewer, or a beer-blogger. Either that, or it was my irresistible good looks.
I had already become a fixture at that particular bar; Substance McGravitas and I spent some time there a few nights earlier, working our way through the ales. No doubt we impressed the bar-staff with our banter and witty badinage.

Then this turned up in McGravitas' FaceBukkake Feed: an interview with the mixologist in question. We knew her before she was famous!